She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
