This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
