apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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