ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
