You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
