just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
