Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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