i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
