His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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