Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
