My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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