Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
