Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
