I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
