Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
