Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
