we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
