if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
