What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
