she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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