Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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