How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
