I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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