i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
