I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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