I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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