The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...