I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry