I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
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You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
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I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing