I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
