this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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