Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
