Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
