If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
