she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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