You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
