I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
