dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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