So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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