god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
