She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
