that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
