We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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