(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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