Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
