Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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