I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
