just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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