Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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