Midget sex pt 2 tonight
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
