it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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