they need to just BURY HIM!
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
