I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
