Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
