Sober January is a disaster.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
