I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
