I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
