i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm having to shit out rocks
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
